Why Women Love Men!


They got that comfortable place
on their shoulder that's perfect for
snuggling into while we fall asleep.

They're enthusiastic about our bodies,
even when we're not.

Chest hair, forearm hair and
the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their
baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry,
and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk,
they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through
neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms.
They remind us of our dads.

They never care what their horoscope,
their mother-in-law, nor their neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age,
their weight, or their clothing size.

How nice their butts look in jeans.

Hold nice their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when
they give us a present they picked out.
They give great hugs, (and always melt
our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added)

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into
our hearts and connect with our heart,
even when we don't want them to.

They don't care whether colors match, but
are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.

They give us a peek at the little boy
inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

How Dogs and Women are the Same:

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

How Dogs and Men are the Same:


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

The Difference Between
Boys & Girls


Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"

Women's Secret Language!


For all you men, take heed. This is it. Understand this and you can stay out of whatever kind of trouble you feel the need to be in.

The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine":
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes":
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing":
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh":
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"Soft Sigh":
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh":
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay":
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do":
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks":
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot":
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Toughest Time Of My Life!


I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had!

A Will To Remember!


A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong.

"Hi Dan!"

Short & Cute Jokes!
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Jerusalem?

A small child replied, "They couldn't find a baby-sitter."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created from Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know, who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right. She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

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A wise schoolteacher sends this note home to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he/she says happens at home."

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Give Me My Money!
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A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his manager. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the manager... "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

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Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me all your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the thief, "give me MY money!"
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Bush, Einstein & Picasso



George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the mundane/celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart).

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the good Doctor.

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his Special Theory of Relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *ARE* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials.

Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head.

"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George."

The Magic Trick


A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a
volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on
stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledge- hammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might &
shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to
hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer.

Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you".

The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you ...go ahead."

"Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the
magicians face. He heaved it as hard as he could and struck the magician, knocking him flat on the ground.

After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"

Drinks All Around


A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

... Its good Jyankajji but shall I tell u one more thing......
Which is the best husaband a woman can have????
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.